Wednesday, March 4, 2009

HumanBuffer

If you are like me you live your life perpetually fearful of being pushed in front of approaching trains while you are waiting on the platform at Union Station.
Here are some strategies I have compiled to alleviate this fear:

1) If you see a crazy person, start walking backwards. Some schools of thought say that this motion should be done ever so slowly so as not to startle anyone, but I say do it super fast. Really get your arms and legs pumping. Onlookers will think you are exercising and your actions will promote physical fitness. Physical fitness = patriotism. U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A.

2) Always create a human buffer between you and the tracks. Essentially sandwich yourself between the crazy person and another commuter. Now there are two schools of thought as to what makes a person a perfect human barrier. Some might say you should stand behind a very large or obese person. That way, when the crazy tries to push you onto the tracks you basically bounce off the large commuter. The other strategy is to position yourself behind a smaller human being, like a child or an anorexic. That way, when the insanoid tries to push you onto the tracks you bump into the lighter person and transfer your motion to the lighter person so they go flying on to the tracks. This is the preferred method because I personally believe that it gets “killing” off of the crazy person’s mind thereby minimizing the likelihood that the crazy will try more than once to push you. See the illustration below for details.
3) Curl into a ball and lay on the ground. This should be a last resort.


Whatever your preferred method, do what you can to stay “not crushed by a train.”





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