Tips for Victims of Crime- Excluding Murder

Below are tips from my book:

Tips for Victims of Crime, Excluding Murder:

Can't Help You There Deadie

By Rachel Lada

By Rachel Lada

1. If you have been victimized by a crime person you should be prepared to totally tattle on them. If you aren't prepared to tattle then don't even get victimized in the first place. Hate to say it, but that was your first mistake.

2. Once you get the tattling out of the way, your next step is to meet with an artist who will attempt to sketch your attacker. Don't leave your fate in the hands of a washed up high school art teacher. Instead bust out your computer and create an avatar that looks like your attacker. Here's one I created:


Totally hit the mark on this one. As you can see my attacker was wearing a top hat at the disco.

And last but not least, my number 3 tip for victims.....

Stop being so sensitive. You're probably so sensitive about crime because you yourself are a criminal. Now who's guilty?

New Show Idea!

I just thought of the best show ever. It’s about a doctor who treats people with fertility issues. It’s called Crotch Problems. That or Crotch Problems, MD. Naturally, the doctor’s last name is Crotch. Otherwise the title wouldn’t be a pun and if there's anything I know from watching TV it’s that you need a title exponentially more clever than your writing and cast.

Normally on "doctor shows" the practitioner’s office is either in a small town or a big city. In my opinion that’s because the doctor is too stupid to find a kickass location for their office. That’s why my doctor, Dr. Pablo Crotch, is going to have a practice right on the boarder of a small town and a huge city so he has to deal with big city and small town crotch problems all in the same day. Of course this type of location doesn’t exist, but you know what, neither does Dr. Pablo Crotch (sorry ladies) so I don’t see what the big deal is if I have to make up a town.

Oh, and it’s by a port so there are boating accident related crotch problems.

Oh, and he’s by sand and snow too so he has to deal with snow and sand injured downstairs areas. Look, the bottom line is no matter what you throw at Dr. Pablo Crotch, he can take it. He’s a fucking world premier crotch specialist.

OH! I just thought of a great billboard one liner.

Don’t judge a person until you walk a mile in their crotch.

If you don’t like my show idea it’s because you yourself have crotch problems. Now who's ridiculous?

Nudie Bar Ad Campaign Commentary

The Admiral Theatre has a rather ingenious advertising campaign to promote its policy of full nudity:

"Why only see half?"

Its a jab at nudie bars that are so incredibly prude that they feature only topless ladies. Sell modesty somewhere else, Puritans! In North Mayfair/Albany Park we like our 49 year old, high school drops outs completely nude. OK. OK. So I'm being a little hard on bars that only have topless women. Here topless bar owners who read my blog, I'll throw you a bone. Below is an even more ingenious advertising campaign for your usage:

"Why only see 1/4?"

Get that into consumers think blobs. Because if you make 'em think there is a place where they can see only one boob, your place seems more appealing. Eh? Eh? Well fuck you if you don't like it. I'm just trying to help you like a true patriot would.

Headline Idea

Did Senator Ted Kennedy die? If not, I thought of the best headline for when he does.

Senator Dead Kennedy

It’s perfect! Even if he did die, I think the papers should re-run the story so they can utilize this wonderful and respectful idea!

Speaking of reruns, why doesn’t the newspaper rerun stories? Like super popular ones? Those bad boys should make it to syndication. Every night at 10pm I should be able to read about the Mayor dying the river green on St. Patrick’s Day. Oh who am I kidding. Those bigwigs at the Trib will never do it. Because if they did, it would be a perfect world. In a perfect world the news stories are about lolly pop landfills and hugging contests and that shit just doesn't sell papers.

P.S. I'd like to give a shout out to Laura Martin who reminded me I have a blog.