Mail is Rude

I got a letter that was addressed:

"OR CURRENT RESIDENT?" I'm not special at all?! I returned the gesture by addressing my response:

That was the most civil "Christmas in July" letter exchange in my family's history.

I get the most mail from my credit card company. Isn't it funny how they only contact me when they need something? They never reach out just because.

I think the greatest slight my credit card company ever dished out was when they sent me a new card. At first I was honored. It was like being pinned into a steady releationship!

But then I noticed the expiration date: 2014. They only love me for the next 3 years. The greatest expression of affection would have been a credit card with an expiration date of 2114. I could finally sleep soundly knowing that all my future needs will be properly financed.

Out Detectiving

If I were a detective, I’d go undercover as a stand-up comedian and I’d tell a series of “you know you’re a criminal” jokes (like Jeff Foxworthy’s “you know you’re a red neck”) I’d arrest anyone who laughed. Only a criminal would get the intricacies of my perfectly worded zingers.

Oh, who am I kidding? I would never make it as a detective; I’d get kicked out of the force immediately for x-treme effectiveness.