You're Amazing... to some

Have low self esteem?

Talk to an OLD person!

Feeling weak?

Ugly?

or dumb?
Talk to an OLD person!

Old people cure all your self-esteem challenges. Old people think everything you do is impressive because they themselves have limited abilities! Listen to these drawing based testimonials!

Testimonial #1:

Testimonial #2: Testimonial #3:

The Winter Olympics is a Dick

Talk about a guest overstaying its welcome. I get it, ice is dangerous and snow makes you move fast. How about a game that's a challenge? Like "barefoot, blind, ice-running" or my latest invention "Skate High-5." Here are the details.

Team size: two people per country.
Estimated fan base: 1 zillion plants, animals, or other.
Rules: Each player stands at the opposite end of an ice rink. They both put up their right hand and hold it in position... maybe it gets locked in by some mechanism to prevent ice cheating. Not sure. Doesn't matter.

Then each player pushes off (THEY CANNOT SKATE, JUST PUSH OFF) and their goal is to meet in the center and high-5 in the most dramatic fashion possible. They cannot over shoot or under shoot the distance and they cannot move their hands to meet the other player's.
Truly that’s the hardest game in the world. None of this 'oh look at me, i'm sitting on a vehicle intended for snow and riding down a hill' bullshit.

Power Meetings

I've been to a lot of meetings lately and my feedback has been "great meeting , but where's the POWER?" Of course no one knows.... except for me. Here's how you add power to a meeting.

Enter the room 4 minutes late and ask, "Does anyone have any questions?" Stare at the audience in complete silence until someone asks a question. As soon as they do, tell them 'Please hold all questions until the end.'

Then begin the meeting. First start out by saying that you aren't used to giving presentations to people with such low personal appearance standards.

Then make a statement that's meant to trap and humiliate all meeting participants. Say something like, 'So this is what the 4th quarter reports should say, right?' If people nod their heads say, 'WRONG!', throw a lit cigarette at the person closest to a door (hopefully a pregnant lady from accounts receivable), and storm out of the room.

Together, we have the power... TO RUIN A MEETING!

Batty Cathy

I make some pretty cool observations and remarks multiple times a day, everyday. Life changing ones, you guys. I really think the government should commission a task force especially assigned to hanging out with me in case I say something cool. Don't believe me? Well listen to this evidence.

Exhibit A:
The other day, Dan went somewhere stupid and left me at home. I had to ask my dog, ‘Don't you think the John Hancock Building looks like its wearing a headband, like one of these sweatbands?' Of course Nitro IGNORED me. Question wasted! Exhibit B:
1 hour later I recalled aloud a conversation I once had with a sassy tollbooth worker. '"He was like, 'You have any bills smaller than a 20' and I was like, 'No.' And then he was like, 'FINE.' And I was like, 'Sorry for having money.'"

Imagine how upset Dan would be if he knew he missed an unsolicited story about a tollbooth based encounter I had 5 years ago. Just imagine. Wait. Don't. I'll just draw a reenactment/dramatization. Please enjoy.

PS. Dan is not religious, but I assume that he will need to find God after enduring such a traumatic event.

Two Questions, One Sentence

There was a very important email waiting for me this morning in my Yahoo inbox. The title was 'Personalize Your Checks!!!!!' Here's the body of the email:

Judging by that mime's picture he had a sensational personalization experience! Although, I wasn't so sure check personalization was the right move for me. So I responded:

Not 11 minutes later, I received this response:

I declare you the winner, Mr./Mrs./Ms./Dr. Personalized Checks by Deals and Coupons Newsletter. I'm not being sacrastic when I say this, that's the funniest line I've read in a while. What's the point of this post? Almost nothing. Well I guess this shows that I'm woman enough to publicly recognize when I've been defeated. Also, I just wanted to let you know the internet is a dick.

Baby Sword Appreciation is Lacking

Using scientific research methods, I learned that most babies are indifferent to swords. Believe it or not, they're completely unfazed when you show them one. When you're like, 'Hey, baby, check out this sword,' they're usually like:

Even when you're like, 'Hey, baby, watch me demonstrate this sword's killing power,' they're like:

Sometimes I just think that babies don't appreciate weapons. Its a major flaw in their collective character, I think.

Bad/Good Tattitude

I'm not rich but I ever become rich the first thing I'll do is get a tattoo. This is what it will look like:


Note: This tattoo hinges on the assumption that when I'm rich, I will frequently make it rain.

After I become rich, if I ever become "not rich," this tattoo will be ridiculously inaccurate. Consequentially it will have to be modified. Here is my proposed modification.


Note: This tattoo hinges on Abe Lincoln having a uni-brow.

The situation complicates itself if I somehow become rich again. In that instance I will have two tattoos that will surely embarrass me in business meetings due to their heinous inaccuracies. I know you're thinking that I should just devise another tattoo related plan to correct these ridiculously inaccurate ones. That's where you're wrong, Squanto. How's about you devise a plan to just accept me for who I am, tattoos and all, butt? I've already led a harsh, rollercoaster-ish life as a rich and then poor and then rich again person. Now I got you breathing down my neck. Some friend you are. I think you should get these tattoos.


Note: This tattoo hinges on you liking Michelangelo the best of all the ninja turtles.

Why does God hate me?

Oh that’s right… because I have a vagina.

If there is one thing Israel has taught me it’s that God totally hates me and all other women. Now I know some of you readers out there are of the lesser gender so I’ll take it slow as not to "box" you out of the conversation. Get it? Me neither. But seriously, I’ll take it step-by-step just because I’m certain your minds are too menses-ed to think of anything except flowers.


FACT 1: Many religious men will not shake a woman’s hand.

And thank God they won’t! This is an illustration of what happened one time when I tried to shake a Rabbi’s hand.

That’s right. I got goddamn Midol all over the place. Like a total butthole.

FACT 2: In some traditional temples, women have to sit behind the men and then BEHIND a half wall as services are being held.

Once again, thank Gody God. Think of what would happen if my eyes saw the front of a man’s head as he was listening to ancient references!!!!!!!!!! Truly the words from 3000 years ago would lose their direct applicability to these modern times. Plus this might happen:

That's right. I might get goddamn Midol all over sacred documents.

FACT 3: When at the Western Wall, women must be separated from the men. i.e. I have to pray in a small, lady-only praying pen

I totally get this one. I mean, what if our prayers got mixed together?! See illustration of time when my prayers infected a man’s prayers.

Conclusion:

God isn't here so I'm really glad these kind messengers are around to tell me exactly what he wants and thinks! And, really, who am I to nay say? I’m the self-loathingest broad to broad it up. Seems that me and this God character see eye to eye. Thank you, for reinforcing his will, dignified-men-of-tiny-hats-and big-hygenic-shortcomings!