Election Day!

If I were a presidential candidate my only platform would be that there are too many movies about surfing. By voting for me you’d confirm that you agree there are too many movies about surfing. If you don’t vote for me you’re clearly in support of more movies about surfing, and you want your children to live in world where they have to endure previews of movies where someone’s life is first negatively then positively impacted by waves. In sum, you want your children to be idiots.

Seriously who likes movies about surfing? Who thinks there aren’t already enough of them? What water based tale remains to be told? I can’t even imagine how stupid the script for a surfing movie is.

Scene I

Jeff runs out into the ocean with his surfboard. He catches a wave and rides it into the shore.

Scene II

Jeff runs out into the ocean with his surfboard. He catches a wave and rides it into the shore.

Scene III

Jeff runs out into the ocean with his surfboard. He catches a wave and rides it into the shore.

FAST FORWARDING…

Scene XXXXXIIIII

Jeff runs out into the ocean with his surfboard. He catches a wave and rides it into the shore.

FIN

Now I must admit that I’ve never actually seen a movie about surfing but I guarantee you I can guess there is no surfing based plot line that cannot be solved by having the protagonist simply stop surfing.

Plot line 1

Solution = Stop surfing

Plot line 2

 

 

Solution = Stop surfing

Plot line 3

 

Solution = Stop surfing and get a job at Arby’s like the rest of us

That’s it. There are no other possible plot lines for a surfing movie. I mean, what else could possibly happen while surfing?

I’m not saying surfing isn’t fun, I’m just saying who cares. Even a movie about rock climbing is more interesting because at least with that if shit goes wrong you fall into a crevice and HILARITY ensues. With surfing, if shit goes wrong you end up back on land , crushing a sand castle or one of those sand dragon things. Basically, when you fail at surfing you can walk home.

So this election, don't worry about voting for Obama or Romney. Just vote NO to whatever local amendment is being proposed and pretend you voted NO to surfing. Then go home, take a long hard look in the mirror and know you are now a perfect citizen... who just voted no to raising teacher salaries.