WinterHatBirdFace Lady

I couldn’t sit on the train today because a woman choose to occupy half a double seater space with her butt and the other half with a 6 oz. bag of buttered popcorn from Nuts on Clark. This is what she looked like:



What’s the big deal? Well I’ll tell you, shit for brains. If an alien came down to Earth and was under the reasonable assumption that we had a caste system in the U.S. he/she would think I was lower than a bag of fucking buttered popcorn. There’s obviously tremendous potential to convey false information. And really when my intergalactic credibility is at stake things get fucking serious for me. For that reason, here is everything I wanted to say to her:

I hope that bag of popcorn is the exact size of the kidney stone lodged in your pee parts.
(Pointing to the bag) Sucks that your husband has exponentially more sex appeal than you. (Consider making out with the bag).
(Pointing to the bag) Oh is this your baby? I see the resemblance, butter face.
Didn’t it suck when buttered popcorn used to have to sit at the back of the bus? Fucking snackregation.