Digression

I know a person who has no income, no original ideas, and no discernible skills. They are hands down the worst listener I’ve ever encountered. I would say the only things they are skilled at is TAKING & NEEDING.

This person I speak of is…. EVERY. BABY. EVER.

Babies are non-contributors to modern society. There are no baby writers or philosophers or scientists yet they are highly valued. People are outraged when a baby isn’t provided with optimal living conditions.

What a waste of optimal living conditions. I mean, you could put a baby on the top of a skyscraper, precariously teetering right at the edge for several hours, and then check back with them 20 years later and be like "Hey, man, you cool?" And they would be like "Yeah, why?" and you would be like, "Well, I left you on top of the Willis Tower for 5 hours, 19 years ago." And that grown baby would be like, "Oh I don’t remember that. Want a pretzel?" You'd say, "Sure. How refreshing." You'd eat the pretzel. Then you would ask, "Where did you buy these? They're so fresh." The grown baby would tell you Jewel. You would later go to Jewel and look for the same pretzels but they would be sold out. You'd consider buying a different brand of pretzels, but then suddenly realize you forgot your wallet at your friend Steve's house.

Lawn of the Land

People who adorn their homes with cute trinkets and figurines have a major problem; they need you to see their adorable collectibles but they can’t trick you into entering their home. Enter lawn decorations.

Lawn decoration owners (LDOs) are people who resort to putting their adorable, funny, and generally delightful possessions on the lawn so random passersby are forced to bear witness to their personality and interests.

Below are some common lawn decorations and my assessment of what specific intentions are behind putting them on display.

1. THE FROZEN DOG

“Hey, I want you to think I own a miniature German Sheppard that enjoys providing quality light sources even during our brightest hours.”

2. BUTTS ON DISPLAY

“I need you to think I fell into some shrubs parallel to my duck sidekick. I am as skilled at maneuvering my yard as a duck.”

3. FLOWER TOILET

"I Shit flowers!! And, I upper deck flowers too! I’m an adorable prankster!!"

4. SHOE FLOWER POT

"A hobo died in my yard and I'm too lazy to dispose of his shoes. A bird and some flowers worked out a co-leasing agreement of said shoe."

Bearcyclopedia Beartanica

DING! DING!! DING!!! Everyone stop what you’re doing. Breaking news alert courtesy of MSN!!

After decades of clumsily fumbling around with your favorite stuffed pets, A Beginner’s Guide to Bears is finally available in VIDEO FORMAT!!

No more wondering:
• How do I hold it?
• My bear’s tiny t-shirt says he loves me, but does he really? I’m getting mixed signals.
• I’m not confident it has a pulse. How concerned should I be on a scale of 1 to concerned?

Due for release next fall: The Advanced Guide to Bears
Finally relief for those of you who are desperately seeking answers to the following questions:
• He isn’t interacting with other bears and he rarely makes eye contact, is he beartistic?
• Sometimes he’s a total dick at my fake tea parties. WTF?
• When is the best time to talk to him about the birds and the bees; specifically not eating them.