Speak Easy

I wish I could speak in italics. Mastering italics would arm me with a more succinct way of speaking. Currently, no one knows whether I am speaking a book title or speaking words that happen to appear in the title of a literary work. One time I said, “In The Black Stallion…” and I was interrupted by my friend who said, “which black stallion is THE black stallion and when were you, in a Jonah-ish fashion, in a black stallion? I thought we were BFFs and that, my BFF, is most certainly exchangeable, BFF quality information.” So, because I could not speak in italics I was forced to say, “ In 1941, author Walter Farley, published a novel which he entitled The Black Stallion. It is this aforementioned work to which I will, in the next several sentences, be referring."

Its an American tragedy.

From the Mysterious Archives

I was browsing through some old word documents and I came across this gem from 2001 entitled "centaur." Below is the piece in its entirety:

OK. Let me just say this. A person cannot pick who their parents are. They just can't. Why would you hate someone just because their daddy (or mama) was a horse (or centaur)?! If that isn't discrimination I don't know what is. Centaur Americans have been through more than any other cohort ever. Two words, Concentration Stables. I think Centaurs are heroes. Let's review American history, shall we? Do you know how many Centaur Americans died at the Boston Tea Party? 987. NINE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-SEVEN. You know why? They didn't have the dexterity to throw tea in the river with their hooves so they had to gallop to the shore. Do you know what happened? They fell in the river. One by one. What is wrong with you? Centaurs aren't stupid. They are brave, moderately smelly American PATRIOTS.

Ummmmmm. What?! I have NO idea why I wrote this. I'd like to think it was in response to something centaur related, but let's be real there's a 40% chance it wasn't. Why am I posting this? Wrong question. Why aren't you posting this? Probably because you hate mythical beasts. Now who's ridiculous?

He’s Baaaack & Your Education

Post 1: He's Baaaaaaaack

I awoke this morning to what’s becoming my favorite morning greeting. This guy’s face!

Now that he’s got a government funded college grant under his belt (see the post below) , Mr. Sass E. Frass thinks he knows it all and is trying to tell us simpletons how to manage our mortgages. Someone’s too big for their old timey britches.

Seriously I think these people just take pictures at nursing homes and force people into involuntary model-tude. Sorry, can't win 'em all, Old People.

Post 2: YOUR Education!

As you may be able to tell by my regal demeanor I’m a part of a fucking coupon club society thing. Look at the email I got today, folks! A COLLEGE COUPON!!
And, you have two very amazing options. You can:

“Continue Your Education” or you can “Continue your education.”

You r-tards are probably like, ‘Oh what’s the difference. My name’s Society.’ Listen here society while I use my giant think blob to enlighten you. You know how when you talk about God you have to capitalize the H in he? Well maybe the first link is for God and the second one is for everyone else. Chew on that, llama face.

More than Words

I saw this banner ad while checking my Yahoo email. Unfortunately the top of it is cut off. Allow me to recap:

Make less than $45,000 a year? You may qualify for a grant to go back to school.

Clearly this man can and should get his doctorate in Television and Microwave repair and god dammit he shouldn't have to pay. Thanks advertising!