There is a major danger associated with Swine Flu, one that the network news won't tell you about.
Doctors and non-practicing Mexicans
Doctors and non-practicing Mexicans
Which one of these people can cure my pregnancy?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
A Victimfilled Crime: Ripped from the Headlines!
I'm able to come up with the best Law and Order episode premises while driving my car. Apparently operating a deadly machine at 82 miles an hour really relaxes the old think blob.
Ok so here's my episode suggestion. Listen up, Dick Wolf!
Debbie and Derrick are conjoined twins. One day Derrick rapes Debbie and then kills some random nail salon owner. The nail salon owner's body is never discovered in the episode. I'm just including this for heightening purposes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anywho, Debbie texts the cops when Derrick is sleeping. The next day the cops are at their door to arrest Derrick... but alas, Debbie, the victim, is attached to Derrick, the attacker!! What to do?!!
Fast foward to the trial. Just as the judge is about to read the verdict Debbie has a baby. THIS IS DERRICK'S BABY... FROM THE RAPE. Obviously the judge freaks out. The bailiff freaks out too and shoots the judge. They get a new judge. He shoots that one. It gets ridiculous. Needless to say, the bailiff gets put on review. Finally they get a new judge. He has a bullet proof vest, but he isn't wearing it so when the baliff shoots him, he dies. At last they get a judge wearing a bullet proof vest. He gets shot in the head. Finally they get a new judge and the bailiff takes a shot at him but his gun is out of bullets. This judge decides that Derrick should get probation, but he has LIMITED visitation rights and can only see his baby once a week. He has to wear a sheet over his head the other 6 days of the week. He ends up becoming an influential member of the KKK. Except on the one day a week where he can see his baby. He's a family man on that day!
And scene.
Ok so here's my episode suggestion. Listen up, Dick Wolf!
Debbie and Derrick are conjoined twins. One day Derrick rapes Debbie and then kills some random nail salon owner. The nail salon owner's body is never discovered in the episode. I'm just including this for heightening purposes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anywho, Debbie texts the cops when Derrick is sleeping. The next day the cops are at their door to arrest Derrick... but alas, Debbie, the victim, is attached to Derrick, the attacker!! What to do?!!
Fast foward to the trial. Just as the judge is about to read the verdict Debbie has a baby. THIS IS DERRICK'S BABY... FROM THE RAPE. Obviously the judge freaks out. The bailiff freaks out too and shoots the judge. They get a new judge. He shoots that one. It gets ridiculous. Needless to say, the bailiff gets put on review. Finally they get a new judge. He has a bullet proof vest, but he isn't wearing it so when the baliff shoots him, he dies. At last they get a judge wearing a bullet proof vest. He gets shot in the head. Finally they get a new judge and the bailiff takes a shot at him but his gun is out of bullets. This judge decides that Derrick should get probation, but he has LIMITED visitation rights and can only see his baby once a week. He has to wear a sheet over his head the other 6 days of the week. He ends up becoming an influential member of the KKK. Except on the one day a week where he can see his baby. He's a family man on that day!
And scene.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Killer Bees Reminder!
Back in the early 90s, local television news began warning us that African, killer bees were migrating from Mexico into the United States. They were moving at a rate of 1 mile a day! We had anywhere from 6 to 48 months to live.
Naturally, I was terrified of these African-Mexican-American bees. Unfortunately, this fear ruined a rather sexy relationship with my kindergarten classmate Dikembe Carlos Smith Sr. as I became suspicious of anyone that was born in Africa, raised in Mexico, and recently assimilated to America.
This morning was exactly 6900 days after I first heard of killer bees. It was 6899 days since I ended my saucy affair with Dikembe Carlos Smith Sr. I decided to research Killer Bees to see why I'm not dead. Per Wikipedia, Killer Bees were not projected to make it past Kansas City on account of the unbearable climate in places further north than KC.
This morning I realized that I believed local news programs and I.got.burned. Here are all the things from the morning news that I believed but am now questioning:
1. That salads have hidden calories.
2. That coffee is bad for me.
3. That coffee is good for me.
4. That the animated dancing baby video is hilarious.
5. That it would rain on March 3rd 2001.
6. That busy moms can multitask by bench pressing their newborn babies.
7. That a beautiful and trendy centerpiece can be constructed out of pebbles from my backyard, water, and a fish bowl.
Naturally, I was terrified of these African-Mexican-American bees. Unfortunately, this fear ruined a rather sexy relationship with my kindergarten classmate Dikembe Carlos Smith Sr. as I became suspicious of anyone that was born in Africa, raised in Mexico, and recently assimilated to America.
This morning was exactly 6900 days after I first heard of killer bees. It was 6899 days since I ended my saucy affair with Dikembe Carlos Smith Sr. I decided to research Killer Bees to see why I'm not dead. Per Wikipedia, Killer Bees were not projected to make it past Kansas City on account of the unbearable climate in places further north than KC.
This morning I realized that I believed local news programs and I.got.burned. Here are all the things from the morning news that I believed but am now questioning:
1. That salads have hidden calories.
2. That coffee is bad for me.
3. That coffee is good for me.
4. That the animated dancing baby video is hilarious.
5. That it would rain on March 3rd 2001.
6. That busy moms can multitask by bench pressing their newborn babies.
7. That a beautiful and trendy centerpiece can be constructed out of pebbles from my backyard, water, and a fish bowl.
Monday, April 6, 2009
WinterHatBirdFace Lady
I couldn’t sit on the train today because a woman choose to occupy half a double seater space with her butt and the other half with a 6 oz. bag of buttered popcorn from Nuts on Clark. This is what she looked like:
What’s the big deal? Well I’ll tell you, shit for brains. If an alien came down to Earth and was under the reasonable assumption that we had a caste system in the U.S. he/she would think I was lower than a bag of fucking buttered popcorn. There’s obviously tremendous potential to convey false information. And really when my intergalactic credibility is at stake things get fucking serious for me. For that reason, here is everything I wanted to say to her:
I hope that bag of popcorn is the exact size of the kidney stone lodged in your pee parts.
(Pointing to the bag) Sucks that your husband has exponentially more sex appeal than you. (Consider making out with the bag).
(Pointing to the bag) Oh is this your baby? I see the resemblance, butter face.
Didn’t it suck when buttered popcorn used to have to sit at the back of the bus? Fucking snackregation.
What’s the big deal? Well I’ll tell you, shit for brains. If an alien came down to Earth and was under the reasonable assumption that we had a caste system in the U.S. he/she would think I was lower than a bag of fucking buttered popcorn. There’s obviously tremendous potential to convey false information. And really when my intergalactic credibility is at stake things get fucking serious for me. For that reason, here is everything I wanted to say to her:
I hope that bag of popcorn is the exact size of the kidney stone lodged in your pee parts.
(Pointing to the bag) Sucks that your husband has exponentially more sex appeal than you. (Consider making out with the bag).
(Pointing to the bag) Oh is this your baby? I see the resemblance, butter face.
Didn’t it suck when buttered popcorn used to have to sit at the back of the bus? Fucking snackregation.
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