She Blinded Me With Stupid

As an adult I am not required to take science classes. Instead I’m forced to rely on videos on ccn.com to get my facts. Here’s a good one.

Carol Costello reports that violence, binge drinking, and crude behavior/swearing are all bad influences on today’s women. Finally, someone tells it like is. Maybe we can reverse these behaviors and business at my swear jar, chastity belt, and peace pipe store will boom! To facilitate that, allow me to break this video down a bit:

Discussion Items 1 & 2: Violence and Binge Drinking!
You’ve nailed it! Violence and binge drinking are awful and these are solely women’s issues. They have nothing to do with men and women as a whole. I mean, when men binge drink and get violent it’s flat out polite. I know every time I get punched out by an inebriated man, I wonder “Where did he go to finishing school?!”

Discussion Item 3: Swearing!!
Thanks for saying what we were all thinking! Putting violence, drinking, and swearing on equally bad ground is sound logic. They're all equally ghastly. Last week I said so many swear words, I barfed. Then my swear words broke a pool cue over some sassy bar patron’s cranium. Later that night I was arrested for driving with a blood-profanity level of .20!!!

Discussion Item 4: Female Influences!!!
At the top of the video, Costello pinpoints who these negative female influences are. She lists the little girl from Kick-Ass and Ke$ha. Yep! That’s me! My role models are primarily a fictitious child and a moron who spells her name with a dollar sign and uses clock sounds to express her feelings.

Conclusion:
Thanks for the scientifically sound report, Carol Costello! I can’t wait to see if you ever have anything focused and meaningful to say. I would have given a shit if you would have used statistics and said something to the effect of “There has been an X% increase in binge drinking over the past Z years. That’s bad because X% of rape victims engage in binge drinking prior to being assaulted.” Instead you churned out an unfocused report that was framed more as a commentary on appropriate female behavioral attributes.

Aside:
Sorry. I meant for this to be completely satirical and then got too enraged to keep it up.

Face Book em Danno!

Composite sketches of suspected criminals are frightening. Probably because the eyewitness supplying the description for the composite sketch caught the assailant when his/her face was at its creepiest. Geez, witnesses! Way to focus on a person when they're at their worst! How about adding a smile to your description? That's what I'd do. I'd describe the assailant's face in all possible scenarios so that its easy to identify the them in a wide variety of situations. Take this guy. Here is his face at its creepiest.



Now here's his face after he received a helpful coupon in the mail...





Now here's his face while he winks at a pretty lady at the disco...



Now here's his face while he's posing for a high school yearbook...

My Favorite Ship

Some say they don’t believe in leadership. They try to get you to believe in other things like not-being-a-dickship, knowing-your-roleship, or meeting-a-group-needship. People who say these things are hippy idiots.

You should be a leader at all costs.

You should be a leader regardless of need.

You should be a leader regardless of how many people are already leaders in a given situation.

When you walk into a room, you should assume there are 35 to 40 leaders present. Intimidated? STOP IT! That just means you need to be leaderier. Here are the only two ways to do just that.

1. You need to have more leather bound notebooks to document your important thoughts.

2. You need to own a fancier wind breaker for lake front jogging.

If you'd made it to the end of this post I need to say something that's going to blow your mind... you are a freaking FOLLOWER. You should have been the one leading me to the end. You fail. You aren't leader material AT ALL. Take that million dollar bill off your wind breaker and eat some Cheez-Its like the rest of the non-leading society.