Minding My Ps and Qs

I’m convinced I’m the MOST CONSIDERATE PERSON IN AMERICA, folks. This title is based solely on the fact that I always hand cashiers my payment in the following order:
FIRST
SECOND It allows the cashier to have a firm grasp on the coins as opposed to forcing them to teeter precariously on the paper cash money. Who cares? Shut up. You’re a who cares. How about instead of being so freaking apathetic you ask some specific follow-up questions. Please send follow-up questions to PO BOX 5882300 Empire, NY. I’ll wait................................................ Oh here's one:


Great question and great penmanship! Giving payment in change then bill order is important because one time that didn't happen and tragedy struck its strikey strikers. See below for details. Disclaimer: These aren't drawings of the actual event. These are drawings of the reenactment of said event.

That's right. A coin slid off of the dollar and landed right in a woman's cleavage. AND THEN THIS HAPPENED: That's right. She got a taste of money being thrown at her and decided to give up her job going back in time and preventing major catastrophes to become a stripper at the Cracker Barrel. End of story. So anyway. As I was saying, come see me the MOST CONSIDERATE PERSON IN AMERICA at the Cracker Barrel this Sunday at 9am. I'll be in near that wall that has decorative chamber pots stapled to it.

Worker B

When I’m shopping at a place of retail I often get mistaken for a store employee. I find this insulting because at the time of my mistaken identity I’m usually wearing something that is clearly in violation of a retail employee's dress requirements. Thanks for the vote of confidence in my work ethic and ability to comply with Kmart’s uniform guidelines. Here's a recent example:

Here are some other examples where my ego was wounded due to mistaken identity.

Example 1: Date of occurrence: December 7th, 1941

Close up on my face:

Example 2: Date of occurrence: December 25th, 1 A.D.

Close up on my face:

Sdicks and Stones

Why is angina a word? For those of you who aren't as disease savvy/ridden as me, angina is a condition impacting the throat. Want to pronounce it correctly? an-jahy-nuh. That's right, it rhymes with VAGINA. To which I say WHAT THE FAGINA?

I think its total bullshit that a word created after vagina was rhymes with vagina, but no modern word rhymes with penis. Very convenient. That's right, that was sarcasm. That's double right, I'm a feminist now. And this blog was made for talkin' and that's just what it'll do. This blog was made for talkin' and its gunna talk all about angina.

Maybe you don't care. Fine. Be a monster. But get this in your think blob immediately, sirs. How would it feel to be a woman in the following scenario? You're standing amongst a group of esteemed male doctors (with no hands because I can't draw them) and the tallest one says:

Guaranteed they all think:

And you as a woman would say: And Mr. Boland who is in the next room would say:

And male word makers everywhere would say:

CiviBalls2 Idea

I think its great when someone is super defensive of NASA when they are too dumb to even be an astronaut's casual acquaintance. Its probably one of my favorite things. The best part is when you ask this type of person to share their impetus for NASA loving they say something hilarious like "I think we should be looking for alternate life forms."Look man, I don't have a lot of information about aliens but from what I can gather they want us dead and they have lasers. If you haven't been able to notice that then come sit next to me so I can use your body as a shield when one attacks us while futon shopping. Its bound to happen, folks.

Also, may I remind you of a little book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Given that fact consider whether you'd really want to start a cross-planet war. I mean, we have no idea what planet these aliens might be from.


Guys, I hate NASA. Truth be told, its not about my belief that you give an alien an inch they'll eat your face. I truly hate NASA for two very specific reasons:

1. NASA and I are NOT held to the same standards

I mean if I spent 19 million dollars annually almost exploding my vehicles and looking for water on barren and useless space orbs, I’d be institutionalized. But NASA does the same shit and their geniuses.

2. Their most ubiquitous invention is a useless bed

Stop hanging your hat on developing a foam technology that comprises a bed no one enjoys. Call me when you invent Civiballs 3. Civiballs 2 is too easy. Hey, that's a good catch phrase. Civiballs 2: Its not 2 easy. Sure you're lying but what am I going to do about it?

Ritadiculous

If someone gets my name wrong I don’t correct them. I’ve never seen it done gracefully and I refuse to attempt to correct someone since doing so always results in hurt feelings.

Case in point, I go to a Pilates class a few mornings a week. Every person there is 30 to 40 years older than me. They are all friends because they work at a high school together. They think my name is Rita. I don’t know why. I’ve never told them my name because they never asked. The first day they called me Rita it took me forever to realize they were actually talking to me. In fact, I did one of those "look behind me to see who they are talking to" moves. They all thought I was comic gold. They said, “Oh, Rita, don’t try to avoid the question.”

These past few weeks have taught me that Rita is an amazing person. She’s exponentially more tolerant of adult conversations than Rachel. For instance, Rita always laughs when her Pilates teacher make the joke, “My doctor said I can’t do push-ups.” This is a joke because the instructor had knee replacement surgery not too long ago. Push-ups are one of the few exercises the instructor can actually do. Rita appreciates the illogical discrepancy Lisa presents. Please note, the instructor makes this joke every class. Class occurs 5 days a week. We as a class laugh every time with vigor. This joke NEVER loses its bite.

Today Rita nodded understandingly when someone said this in class:

“The dog had a 7 pound cyst. 7lbs! That’s like 10 lbs!!”

Rita agreed. 7 does equal 10.

Today was the most challenging class Rita faced because today the instructor called Rita by the wrong name accidentally. Today, she called Rita … RACHEL. I kid you not! I didn’t know what to do. I spent a good 4 seconds frozen in confusion. My stasis was broken when Bill, the retired accountant, active farter, said "geez Lisa her name is Rita, not Rachel." Lisa apologized to Rita. Rita said, "Oh don't worry about it. I somehow knew you were talking to me."