Following

I was on hold waiting to make a doctor's appointment and a man's voice overpowered the jazzy hold music telling me follow my hospital on Twitter. Ummm. YES PLEASE. Of course I want to read a hospital's microblog. My only concern is that all other things in my life will seem boring in comparison to a building's.

Book Report

When I was in the second grade I borrowed The Diary of Anne Frank from my school's library because I had not yet understood that there were books that didn’t make sense for children to read. I had been inundated with campaign after campaign encouraging children to "book it." Their colorful propaganda failed to mention that not all books were about raccoons and helpful maids.

It was a total fluke that I understood every word in the title because that Anne Frank character lost me in chapter one. There were so many proper nouns that I had never encountered so I was completely incapable of following the story. Naturally I raised my hand and asked, "What's a Hilter?" And like all non-enabling adults, Mrs. M said, "Look it up in the dictionary."

I was used to this routine. When I asked how to spell a word as a child, nine out of ten times I was told to look in the dictionary. News flash, adults, you need to know how to spell something to look it up in the dictionary. My typical response was to augment reality towards situations I could spell.

This time was different because I had Hitler spelled out for me on the page and could easily look it up. Funny thing about the dictionary I had though… it was meant for 2nd graders so aside from the fact proper nouns are usually absent, Hilter wasn't exactly explained in print yet.

Unsatisfied and about to give up, I decided that I would employ the tactic of thumbing my way to the end of the book and reading the last sentence. Upon arriving at the end I noticed that this particular addition had pictures, black and white shots of Anne Frank, her family, and Nazi soldiers. My book report just became way more doable!

Ancestry.mom What Were You Thinking?

On paper Ancestry.com is all sorts of fun. In practice, things can be soul shattering.

Hair Du Jour

I think you can predict  how good a waitress will be based on her hair. If she put effort in it, she’ll be good. If not, you're SOL. I mean, if she can’t even take the time to make her own head look nice then she doesn’t give a shit about your soup.

On Seeing Chibs from SOA

I recently found myself uncertain of which direction to go while hiking near the Hollywood sign. A man helped me.

Here is a recap of our conversation, written 1 minute after the encounter:

A man approached, I asked him for guidance. As he answered I noticed it was Chibs from Sons of Anarchy. He simply stated, “It’s that way, a bit of a hike.” He then turned away and continued on his journey. I never acknowledged I recognized him.

Here is a recap of our conversation written 3 minutes after the encounter:

A man approached, I asked him for guidance. As he answered I noticed it was Chibs from Sons of Anarchy. He simply stated, “It’s that way, a bit of a hike.” He then turned away and continued on his journey. I never acknowledged I recognized him, but sensed him watching us march off into the distance. As I turned to look back his way, I saw him standing, with an outstretched hand, reaching for us and a single tear rolling down his right cheek. He whispered “I’ll never forget you.”

Here is a recap of our conversation written 6 minutes after the encounter:

A man approached, I asked him for guidance. As he answered I noticed it was Chibs from Sons of Anarchy. He simply stated, “It’s that way, a bit of a hike.” He then turned away and continued on his journey. I never acknowledged I recognized him, but sensed him watching us march off into the distance. As I turned to look back his way, I saw him standing, with an outstretched hand, reaching for us and a single tear rolling down his right cheek. He whispered “I’ll never forget you.” A second tear began rolling down his face, miraculously healing the scar on his right cheek*.

Here is a recap of our conversation written 9 minutes after the encounter:

A man approached, I asked him for guidance. As he answered I noticed it was Chibs from Sons of Anarchy. He simply stated, “It’s that way, a bit of a hike.” He then turned away and continued on his journey. I never acknowledged I recognized him, but sensed him watching us march off into the distance. As I turned to look back his way, I saw him standing, with an outstretched hand, reaching for us and a single tear rolling down his right cheek. He whispered “I’ll never forget you.” A second tear began rolling down his face, miraculously healing the scar on his right cheek. I curtsied Chibs farewell and continued on my hike. As I neared the top of the path I noticed a plaque affixed to the side of the hill. It read:

Hey, Rachel. It's me. Just checking in. Hope you're enjoying your hike. Have a great day.

-Chibs

P.S. I don't know how to put this but you actually ended up getting murdered on the way up. But being Chibs I worked diligently to solve your murder and went back and time to prevent the perpetrator's birth thereby saving your life. You should be all set.

 *Thanks, Matt.