Rotunded

I recently read that 2/3rds of Americans are overweight. Up until that point I had failed to realize 2/3rds of me was fat! Lo and behold, I took a look down for the first time in years and immediately noticed my very fat arms.

I cried for hours, wiping my tears with my underarm skin.

Mail is Rude

I got a letter that was addressed:

"OR CURRENT RESIDENT?" I'm not special at all?! I returned the gesture by addressing my response:

That was the most civil "Christmas in July" letter exchange in my family's history.

I get the most mail from my credit card company. Isn't it funny how they only contact me when they need something? They never reach out just because.

I think the greatest slight my credit card company ever dished out was when they sent me a new card. At first I was honored. It was like being pinned into a steady releationship!

But then I noticed the expiration date: 2014. They only love me for the next 3 years. The greatest expression of affection would have been a credit card with an expiration date of 2114. I could finally sleep soundly knowing that all my future needs will be properly financed.

Out Detectiving

If I were a detective, I’d go undercover as a stand-up comedian and I’d tell a series of “you know you’re a criminal” jokes (like Jeff Foxworthy’s “you know you’re a red neck”) I’d arrest anyone who laughed. Only a criminal would get the intricacies of my perfectly worded zingers.

Oh, who am I kidding? I would never make it as a detective; I’d get kicked out of the force immediately for x-treme effectiveness.

Idearrhea in 2012

When I am President (of America) my first order of business would be coming up with new commandments for the Constitution. First and fore-toast (product placement!), I'd update America's dating profile.

Next, I'd create rules enrooted in my campaign entitled, Lest We Remember- Let's leave some things to the whimsy of our memories, shall we?


In closing, the rule of three is toast important.

Water Coolest Chat

Don't you hate it when this happens...

Comhandless and Chief

As you may know, I've been intermittently without usage of my hands. It's left me feeling lost and uncertain about my future. Home bound and useless, I've resorted to watching disgusting amounts of Unsolved Mysteries.

While watching an episode of UnMy, I realized the reason I feel so down about missing my hands is because there are NO handless role models on TV. Not once has UnMY reported a stub-armed Sasquatch sighting or shown a story about handless Amelia Earhart’s projected whereabouts. My despondence is a result of the media's closed minded view of what it means to have hands. They never stopped to consider “gee, maybe a person with hands can NOT HAVE HANDS!”

This epiphany made me realize my life's purpose. I'm going to be the most successful handless person ever. Then I thought, "Shit, what about Oprah?" BUT THEN, I was like, "Wait a minute, I think she had hands." Lo and behold I checked her Wikipedia page and confirmed she's one of the handed! So stub onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen... In an attempt to be the greatest success story ever, I am going to be president of the United States (of America)!! I already know what my first speech will be like...

Predict Head

Everyone is all up in arms because Harold Camping falsely predicted the rapture. To that, I say, thank your lucky stars that it’s not your job to predict the end of days! Predicting things is hard. It’s the only reason I’m not a doctor. If I were a doctor I would be incredibly disappointed if my patients didn’t die within the timeframe I projected.

As a good doctor, I’d probably wait by the window to see if I could spot a shooting start to unwish her wish. But I couldn’t stay there long, being a good doctor I’d have to get back to telling my patients they are all dying.

Oldy but a Bady

Old timey songs are usually really slow paced. That’s because back in the day there was nothing to do so everyone drew out the only positive aspects of their lives. Singers had no obligations after they recorded their songs so they thought, hey I’ll record a 400 minute song about an unoffensive noun. Song listeners would sit 4 inches from their radios and with eagerness absorb every word of songs about dreams, candy, and government employees.

These songs were all super polite. They called people Mr. or Mrs. (Mr. Postman, Mrs. Robinson). These melodic shout outs to fictitious characters are exponentially more polite than anything anyone has ever said to me in person.

I've been thinking about old songs lately because I heard one by the Mamas and the Papas the other day while dining at a fancy restaurant.

No, not Beef and Brandy.

So anyway, I was eating at CarX and I heard that California Dreamin' song and I was instantly enraged. I mean what a terrible song. I'm starting to think CarX isn't as nice of a restaurant as everyone says it is.

Curputerz!

Back in the day houses only had like 4 windows. If you wanted to avoid the outside world you'd simply have to not stand by 2 foot squares of glass.

Nowadays 99% of houses have more than 4 windows. There is more potential to outdoor exposure than ever. I cleverly manage this with blinds. Despite my best window management efforts, the outdoors are forcing their way into my home via a new kind of window, the internet browser window. This one is harder to cover not because its a highly addictive portal to fun and adventure, but because science has yet to invent a computer curtain. UNTIL NOW!! Introducing Curputerz- Curtainz, for Computerz that Need Curtainz!

Don't you want to shield your non-blind family members from seeing the outside world? Well you should because if you don't use Blindz today you and your family (blind and non-blind members) will smell bad. That's right. You smell bad without this product. I once read some of the most effective ad campaigns make you think you unknowingly smell bad and they tell you (non-deafs only) everyone else secretly thinks you are rancid. So yeah, all that applies to this new product. Maybe that trick doesn't work because I told you. So what? Maybe you don't work because you're addicted to the internet. Wait, that's not true. You don't work because you're lazy. All apologies.

A Fact Heavy Post

Fact 1/1:

When you are alive and imperfect there is no course of corrective action you can take to avoid criticisms of your personal appearance.

People don’t enter the public sphere because their nose is perfect and their hat is timeless. Instead, they go outside because they need medicine, sunshine, and strap perfects.
Face and head area criticisms are especially confusing to me because they aren’t explicitly solicited. I mean, if face/head ownership were a trial, the opening argument isn’t “I’m beautiful” so the rebuttal of “No, you’re not” is unwarranted. The true opening argument to the head/face ownership case is:

Sometimes folks criticize a person’s “inner beauty.” Inner beauty is a term people use to make non-models feel good about themselves or to make models feel bad about themselves. Inner beauty is an even more inferior judgment criterion because it’s evaluated without an extensive knowledge of a person’s swagger. It's a worse judgment point than outer beauty because someone’s face is someone’s face is someone’s face. If you’re going to judge it, you simply have to look at what's in front of you. Unless you’re attempting to do so during a SARs outbreak.

But a person’s inner beauty is difficult to assess thoroughly. All inner beauty judgments made without at least 4 months of observational research are irrelevant.

In sum, always wait until SARs outbreaks subside before judging a person’s face, if the SARs outbreak is still occurring in your hometown, move- your local medical staff is incompetent, and don’t judge anyone’s inner beauty unless they steal your strap perfects four months straight.