Comhandless and Chief

As you may know, I've been intermittently without usage of my hands. It's left me feeling lost and uncertain about my future. Home bound and useless, I've resorted to watching disgusting amounts of Unsolved Mysteries.

While watching an episode of UnMy, I realized the reason I feel so down about missing my hands is because there are NO handless role models on TV. Not once has UnMY reported a stub-armed Sasquatch sighting or shown a story about handless Amelia Earhart’s projected whereabouts. My despondence is a result of the media's closed minded view of what it means to have hands. They never stopped to consider “gee, maybe a person with hands can NOT HAVE HANDS!”

This epiphany made me realize my life's purpose. I'm going to be the most successful handless person ever. Then I thought, "Shit, what about Oprah?" BUT THEN, I was like, "Wait a minute, I think she had hands." Lo and behold I checked her Wikipedia page and confirmed she's one of the handed! So stub onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen... In an attempt to be the greatest success story ever, I am going to be president of the United States (of America)!! I already know what my first speech will be like...