Digression

I know a person who has no income, no original ideas, and no discernible skills. They are hands down the worst listener I’ve ever encountered. I would say the only things they are skilled at is TAKING & NEEDING.

This person I speak of is…. EVERY. BABY. EVER.

Babies are non-contributors to modern society. There are no baby writers or philosophers or scientists yet they are highly valued. People are outraged when a baby isn’t provided with optimal living conditions.

What a waste of optimal living conditions. I mean, you could put a baby on the top of a skyscraper, precariously teetering right at the edge for several hours, and then check back with them 20 years later and be like "Hey, man, you cool?" And they would be like "Yeah, why?" and you would be like, "Well, I left you on top of the Willis Tower for 5 hours, 19 years ago." And that grown baby would be like, "Oh I don’t remember that. Want a pretzel?" You'd say, "Sure. How refreshing." You'd eat the pretzel. Then you would ask, "Where did you buy these? They're so fresh." The grown baby would tell you Jewel. You would later go to Jewel and look for the same pretzels but they would be sold out. You'd consider buying a different brand of pretzels, but then suddenly realize you forgot your wallet at your friend Steve's house.

Lawn of the Land

People who adorn their homes with cute trinkets and figurines have a major problem; they need you to see their adorable collectibles but they can’t trick you into entering their home. Enter lawn decorations.

Lawn decoration owners (LDOs) are people who resort to putting their adorable, funny, and generally delightful possessions on the lawn so random passersby are forced to bear witness to their personality and interests.

Below are some common lawn decorations and my assessment of what specific intentions are behind putting them on display.

1. THE FROZEN DOG

“Hey, I want you to think I own a miniature German Sheppard that enjoys providing quality light sources even during our brightest hours.”

2. BUTTS ON DISPLAY

“I need you to think I fell into some shrubs parallel to my duck sidekick. I am as skilled at maneuvering my yard as a duck.”

3. FLOWER TOILET

"I Shit flowers!! And, I upper deck flowers too! I’m an adorable prankster!!"

4. SHOE FLOWER POT

"A hobo died in my yard and I'm too lazy to dispose of his shoes. A bird and some flowers worked out a co-leasing agreement of said shoe."

Bearcyclopedia Beartanica

DING! DING!! DING!!! Everyone stop what you’re doing. Breaking news alert courtesy of MSN!!

After decades of clumsily fumbling around with your favorite stuffed pets, A Beginner’s Guide to Bears is finally available in VIDEO FORMAT!!

No more wondering:
• How do I hold it?
• My bear’s tiny t-shirt says he loves me, but does he really? I’m getting mixed signals.
• I’m not confident it has a pulse. How concerned should I be on a scale of 1 to concerned?

Due for release next fall: The Advanced Guide to Bears
Finally relief for those of you who are desperately seeking answers to the following questions:
• He isn’t interacting with other bears and he rarely makes eye contact, is he beartistic?
• Sometimes he’s a total dick at my fake tea parties. WTF?
• When is the best time to talk to him about the birds and the bees; specifically not eating them.

Blame Game

I swear to god if I were walking my dog (Nitro) and a freaking stegosaurus suddenly appeared, my dog's visceral reaction would be to try to murder it. Dan says this is because Nitro has no concept of his own size. I say its because he never learned about dinosaurs. I guess I'm just more willing to take responsibility for my dog's stupidity.

Learned

I saw the smartest man ever the other day. He was wearing glasses and referenced literature a butt ton. He was so smart.

Good thing there are billions of other people just like him; people with the ability to remember and reference fake stories. Without them, why, there would be no one to regurgitate tired ideas. And without these tired ideas, why, they would have nothing to say. Thanks, smart people. Your promotion of this brand of intelligence makes the world stay the same!

P.S. I hate Aristotle. If you like him, you're pretentious.

Aristotle is a fucking moron. He got the physical sciences ALL WRONG and yet we still remember his legacy. Fun fact, Aristotle said human men have more teeth than human woman. What an amazing scientist! He could have researched this theory by conducting a 15 second experiment (i.e. counting) but he didn't. What a fucking genius. Yes, lets read and write more books about this blowhard. While we're at it, why don't we ask Spencer Pratt to write a book about string theory. Once published immediately ship it to every college campus.

She Blinded Me With Stupid

As an adult I am not required to take science classes. Instead I’m forced to rely on videos on ccn.com to get my facts. Here’s a good one.

Carol Costello reports that violence, binge drinking, and crude behavior/swearing are all bad influences on today’s women. Finally, someone tells it like is. Maybe we can reverse these behaviors and business at my swear jar, chastity belt, and peace pipe store will boom! To facilitate that, allow me to break this video down a bit:

Discussion Items 1 & 2: Violence and Binge Drinking!
You’ve nailed it! Violence and binge drinking are awful and these are solely women’s issues. They have nothing to do with men and women as a whole. I mean, when men binge drink and get violent it’s flat out polite. I know every time I get punched out by an inebriated man, I wonder “Where did he go to finishing school?!”

Discussion Item 3: Swearing!!
Thanks for saying what we were all thinking! Putting violence, drinking, and swearing on equally bad ground is sound logic. They're all equally ghastly. Last week I said so many swear words, I barfed. Then my swear words broke a pool cue over some sassy bar patron’s cranium. Later that night I was arrested for driving with a blood-profanity level of .20!!!

Discussion Item 4: Female Influences!!!
At the top of the video, Costello pinpoints who these negative female influences are. She lists the little girl from Kick-Ass and Ke$ha. Yep! That’s me! My role models are primarily a fictitious child and a moron who spells her name with a dollar sign and uses clock sounds to express her feelings.

Conclusion:
Thanks for the scientifically sound report, Carol Costello! I can’t wait to see if you ever have anything focused and meaningful to say. I would have given a shit if you would have used statistics and said something to the effect of “There has been an X% increase in binge drinking over the past Z years. That’s bad because X% of rape victims engage in binge drinking prior to being assaulted.” Instead you churned out an unfocused report that was framed more as a commentary on appropriate female behavioral attributes.

Aside:
Sorry. I meant for this to be completely satirical and then got too enraged to keep it up.

Face Book em Danno!

Composite sketches of suspected criminals are frightening. Probably because the eyewitness supplying the description for the composite sketch caught the assailant when his/her face was at its creepiest. Geez, witnesses! Way to focus on a person when they're at their worst! How about adding a smile to your description? That's what I'd do. I'd describe the assailant's face in all possible scenarios so that its easy to identify the them in a wide variety of situations. Take this guy. Here is his face at its creepiest.



Now here's his face after he received a helpful coupon in the mail...





Now here's his face while he winks at a pretty lady at the disco...



Now here's his face while he's posing for a high school yearbook...

My Favorite Ship

Some say they don’t believe in leadership. They try to get you to believe in other things like not-being-a-dickship, knowing-your-roleship, or meeting-a-group-needship. People who say these things are hippy idiots.

You should be a leader at all costs.

You should be a leader regardless of need.

You should be a leader regardless of how many people are already leaders in a given situation.

When you walk into a room, you should assume there are 35 to 40 leaders present. Intimidated? STOP IT! That just means you need to be leaderier. Here are the only two ways to do just that.

1. You need to have more leather bound notebooks to document your important thoughts.

2. You need to own a fancier wind breaker for lake front jogging.

If you'd made it to the end of this post I need to say something that's going to blow your mind... you are a freaking FOLLOWER. You should have been the one leading me to the end. You fail. You aren't leader material AT ALL. Take that million dollar bill off your wind breaker and eat some Cheez-Its like the rest of the non-leading society.

Speak Easy

I wish I could speak in italics. Mastering italics would arm me with a more succinct way of speaking. Currently, no one knows whether I am speaking a book title or speaking words that happen to appear in the title of a literary work. One time I said, “In The Black Stallion…” and I was interrupted by my friend who said, “which black stallion is THE black stallion and when were you, in a Jonah-ish fashion, in a black stallion? I thought we were BFFs and that, my BFF, is most certainly exchangeable, BFF quality information.” So, because I could not speak in italics I was forced to say, “ In 1941, author Walter Farley, published a novel which he entitled The Black Stallion. It is this aforementioned work to which I will, in the next several sentences, be referring."

Its an American tragedy.

From the Mysterious Archives

I was browsing through some old word documents and I came across this gem from 2001 entitled "centaur." Below is the piece in its entirety:

OK. Let me just say this. A person cannot pick who their parents are. They just can't. Why would you hate someone just because their daddy (or mama) was a horse (or centaur)?! If that isn't discrimination I don't know what is. Centaur Americans have been through more than any other cohort ever. Two words, Concentration Stables. I think Centaurs are heroes. Let's review American history, shall we? Do you know how many Centaur Americans died at the Boston Tea Party? 987. NINE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-SEVEN. You know why? They didn't have the dexterity to throw tea in the river with their hooves so they had to gallop to the shore. Do you know what happened? They fell in the river. One by one. What is wrong with you? Centaurs aren't stupid. They are brave, moderately smelly American PATRIOTS.

Ummmmmm. What?! I have NO idea why I wrote this. I'd like to think it was in response to something centaur related, but let's be real there's a 40% chance it wasn't. Why am I posting this? Wrong question. Why aren't you posting this? Probably because you hate mythical beasts. Now who's ridiculous?

He’s Baaaack & Your Education

Post 1: He's Baaaaaaaack

I awoke this morning to what’s becoming my favorite morning greeting. This guy’s face!

Now that he’s got a government funded college grant under his belt (see the post below) , Mr. Sass E. Frass thinks he knows it all and is trying to tell us simpletons how to manage our mortgages. Someone’s too big for their old timey britches.

Seriously I think these people just take pictures at nursing homes and force people into involuntary model-tude. Sorry, can't win 'em all, Old People.

Post 2: YOUR Education!

As you may be able to tell by my regal demeanor I’m a part of a fucking coupon club society thing. Look at the email I got today, folks! A COLLEGE COUPON!!
And, you have two very amazing options. You can:

“Continue Your Education” or you can “Continue your education.”

You r-tards are probably like, ‘Oh what’s the difference. My name’s Society.’ Listen here society while I use my giant think blob to enlighten you. You know how when you talk about God you have to capitalize the H in he? Well maybe the first link is for God and the second one is for everyone else. Chew on that, llama face.

More than Words

I saw this banner ad while checking my Yahoo email. Unfortunately the top of it is cut off. Allow me to recap:

Make less than $45,000 a year? You may qualify for a grant to go back to school.

Clearly this man can and should get his doctorate in Television and Microwave repair and god dammit he shouldn't have to pay. Thanks advertising!

You're Amazing... to some

Have low self esteem?

Talk to an OLD person!

Feeling weak?

Ugly?

or dumb?
Talk to an OLD person!

Old people cure all your self-esteem challenges. Old people think everything you do is impressive because they themselves have limited abilities! Listen to these drawing based testimonials!

Testimonial #1:

Testimonial #2: Testimonial #3:

The Winter Olympics is a Dick

Talk about a guest overstaying its welcome. I get it, ice is dangerous and snow makes you move fast. How about a game that's a challenge? Like "barefoot, blind, ice-running" or my latest invention "Skate High-5." Here are the details.

Team size: two people per country.
Estimated fan base: 1 zillion plants, animals, or other.
Rules: Each player stands at the opposite end of an ice rink. They both put up their right hand and hold it in position... maybe it gets locked in by some mechanism to prevent ice cheating. Not sure. Doesn't matter.

Then each player pushes off (THEY CANNOT SKATE, JUST PUSH OFF) and their goal is to meet in the center and high-5 in the most dramatic fashion possible. They cannot over shoot or under shoot the distance and they cannot move their hands to meet the other player's.
Truly that’s the hardest game in the world. None of this 'oh look at me, i'm sitting on a vehicle intended for snow and riding down a hill' bullshit.

Power Meetings

I've been to a lot of meetings lately and my feedback has been "great meeting , but where's the POWER?" Of course no one knows.... except for me. Here's how you add power to a meeting.

Enter the room 4 minutes late and ask, "Does anyone have any questions?" Stare at the audience in complete silence until someone asks a question. As soon as they do, tell them 'Please hold all questions until the end.'

Then begin the meeting. First start out by saying that you aren't used to giving presentations to people with such low personal appearance standards.

Then make a statement that's meant to trap and humiliate all meeting participants. Say something like, 'So this is what the 4th quarter reports should say, right?' If people nod their heads say, 'WRONG!', throw a lit cigarette at the person closest to a door (hopefully a pregnant lady from accounts receivable), and storm out of the room.

Together, we have the power... TO RUIN A MEETING!

Batty Cathy

I make some pretty cool observations and remarks multiple times a day, everyday. Life changing ones, you guys. I really think the government should commission a task force especially assigned to hanging out with me in case I say something cool. Don't believe me? Well listen to this evidence.

Exhibit A:
The other day, Dan went somewhere stupid and left me at home. I had to ask my dog, ‘Don't you think the John Hancock Building looks like its wearing a headband, like one of these sweatbands?' Of course Nitro IGNORED me. Question wasted! Exhibit B:
1 hour later I recalled aloud a conversation I once had with a sassy tollbooth worker. '"He was like, 'You have any bills smaller than a 20' and I was like, 'No.' And then he was like, 'FINE.' And I was like, 'Sorry for having money.'"

Imagine how upset Dan would be if he knew he missed an unsolicited story about a tollbooth based encounter I had 5 years ago. Just imagine. Wait. Don't. I'll just draw a reenactment/dramatization. Please enjoy.

PS. Dan is not religious, but I assume that he will need to find God after enduring such a traumatic event.

Two Questions, One Sentence

There was a very important email waiting for me this morning in my Yahoo inbox. The title was 'Personalize Your Checks!!!!!' Here's the body of the email:

Judging by that mime's picture he had a sensational personalization experience! Although, I wasn't so sure check personalization was the right move for me. So I responded:

Not 11 minutes later, I received this response:

I declare you the winner, Mr./Mrs./Ms./Dr. Personalized Checks by Deals and Coupons Newsletter. I'm not being sacrastic when I say this, that's the funniest line I've read in a while. What's the point of this post? Almost nothing. Well I guess this shows that I'm woman enough to publicly recognize when I've been defeated. Also, I just wanted to let you know the internet is a dick.

Baby Sword Appreciation is Lacking

Using scientific research methods, I learned that most babies are indifferent to swords. Believe it or not, they're completely unfazed when you show them one. When you're like, 'Hey, baby, check out this sword,' they're usually like:

Even when you're like, 'Hey, baby, watch me demonstrate this sword's killing power,' they're like:

Sometimes I just think that babies don't appreciate weapons. Its a major flaw in their collective character, I think.

Bad/Good Tattitude

I'm not rich but I ever become rich the first thing I'll do is get a tattoo. This is what it will look like:


Note: This tattoo hinges on the assumption that when I'm rich, I will frequently make it rain.

After I become rich, if I ever become "not rich," this tattoo will be ridiculously inaccurate. Consequentially it will have to be modified. Here is my proposed modification.


Note: This tattoo hinges on Abe Lincoln having a uni-brow.

The situation complicates itself if I somehow become rich again. In that instance I will have two tattoos that will surely embarrass me in business meetings due to their heinous inaccuracies. I know you're thinking that I should just devise another tattoo related plan to correct these ridiculously inaccurate ones. That's where you're wrong, Squanto. How's about you devise a plan to just accept me for who I am, tattoos and all, butt? I've already led a harsh, rollercoaster-ish life as a rich and then poor and then rich again person. Now I got you breathing down my neck. Some friend you are. I think you should get these tattoos.


Note: This tattoo hinges on you liking Michelangelo the best of all the ninja turtles.

Why does God hate me?

Oh that’s right… because I have a vagina.

If there is one thing Israel has taught me it’s that God totally hates me and all other women. Now I know some of you readers out there are of the lesser gender so I’ll take it slow as not to "box" you out of the conversation. Get it? Me neither. But seriously, I’ll take it step-by-step just because I’m certain your minds are too menses-ed to think of anything except flowers.


FACT 1: Many religious men will not shake a woman’s hand.

And thank God they won’t! This is an illustration of what happened one time when I tried to shake a Rabbi’s hand.

That’s right. I got goddamn Midol all over the place. Like a total butthole.

FACT 2: In some traditional temples, women have to sit behind the men and then BEHIND a half wall as services are being held.

Once again, thank Gody God. Think of what would happen if my eyes saw the front of a man’s head as he was listening to ancient references!!!!!!!!!! Truly the words from 3000 years ago would lose their direct applicability to these modern times. Plus this might happen:

That's right. I might get goddamn Midol all over sacred documents.

FACT 3: When at the Western Wall, women must be separated from the men. i.e. I have to pray in a small, lady-only praying pen

I totally get this one. I mean, what if our prayers got mixed together?! See illustration of time when my prayers infected a man’s prayers.

Conclusion:

God isn't here so I'm really glad these kind messengers are around to tell me exactly what he wants and thinks! And, really, who am I to nay say? I’m the self-loathingest broad to broad it up. Seems that me and this God character see eye to eye. Thank you, for reinforcing his will, dignified-men-of-tiny-hats-and big-hygenic-shortcomings!