Late Night Confessions- Train Edition

I sat by Necklace Man on my ride home from work.


 He approached the woman who hates him and they had this exchange:

Necklace Man then went on to tell the following story:

The other day I encountered a woman on the train and I was taken by her odor. I grabbed her by the arm and said, "Ma'am, you smell like the most beautiful flower. You are like Sarah Palin. You literally dribble beauty."

The woman who hates him said, "I bet that lady thinks twice about riding the train again."

Unphased, Necklace Man went on to recap an interview with Jenny McCarthy that he watched.

Early Morning Confessions - TRAIN EDITION

There is a guy who rides the train with me every day. He looks like this.

 I’m not sure where he works but wherever it is must allow people to wear lots of necklaces.

There is this woman he always insists on sitting next to. She looks like this.

She always looks as though someone insulted her homemade lasagna. 

The man likes to talk about when he was a teenager. He’s like the Bruce Springsteen of talking.

The woman’s hatred for this man is clear to everyone except him. Every day he tells a story that she doesn’t care about. This morning he told this one:

It was spring of 1959 and I was in St. Louis visiting Sharon, a woman who had breasts that cascaded like waterfalls. Anyway we became very close. I recently saw her and it turns out she has a daughter who was born in December of 1959. I asked who her father was and she said she didn’t know. Makes you wonder... Also she has her mother’s cascading breasts; they are like waterfalls.

Sometimes he doesn’t have stories like that. Instead he just provides scene-by-scene descriptions of episodes of The Honeymooners.

Running Away from America

Dear Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming:

You should definitely secede from the union because running away from home always results in the best possible outcome. Think of your childhood and all the times you ran away from home and ended up being totally right.

Just as you were right then, you are right now. I mean think of all the documentaries that bode well for a runaway’s success.  Case and point: The movie Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. Those dogs ran away from home (or something (who knows (I mean who can remember))) and they ended up being adorable and sounding like Michael J Fox.   Whereas in the movie Home Alone, the boy stays home and two pedophiles break into his house. Staying a part of the union will result in two pedophiles breaking into your states on freaking Christmas. Is anything sacred anymore?

Secession should be easy. Sure you don’t have a “plan” or “currency” but you have an electronic petition which means you have electricity and really what more do you need in this day and age? I mean, you have little else already and you’re getting by. Plus, once you aren’t American think of all the money you’ll make off of American tourism, especially you, Arkansas!  

In closing I’d like to wish you good luck in your efforts. You represent what America is all about.

 

Election Results

So far I've gone the entire day without learning the election results. I'm confident I can go at least a month without finding out who the president is. It won't be easy. I imagine I'll get hungry, probably in the morning, in the afternoon, and again at night. I bet I'll get tired too, likely at the end of the day or when this one guy at work is talking. Lastly, I'll definitely need to watch Alaska Ice Cold Killers and Red Neck Rehab just to make sure I stay up-to-speed on current events without fear of exposing myself to election results.

It won't be easy, but I'll persevere.

Election Day!

If I were a presidential candidate my only platform would be that there are too many movies about surfing. By voting for me you’d confirm that you agree there are too many movies about surfing. If you don’t vote for me you’re clearly in support of more movies about surfing, and you want your children to live in world where they have to endure previews of movies where someone’s life is first negatively then positively impacted by waves. In sum, you want your children to be idiots.

Seriously who likes movies about surfing? Who thinks there aren’t already enough of them? What water based tale remains to be told? I can’t even imagine how stupid the script for a surfing movie is.

Scene I

Jeff runs out into the ocean with his surfboard. He catches a wave and rides it into the shore.

Scene II

Jeff runs out into the ocean with his surfboard. He catches a wave and rides it into the shore.

Scene III

Jeff runs out into the ocean with his surfboard. He catches a wave and rides it into the shore.

FAST FORWARDING…

Scene XXXXXIIIII

Jeff runs out into the ocean with his surfboard. He catches a wave and rides it into the shore.

FIN

Now I must admit that I’ve never actually seen a movie about surfing but I guarantee you I can guess there is no surfing based plot line that cannot be solved by having the protagonist simply stop surfing.

Plot line 1

Solution = Stop surfing

Plot line 2

 

 

Solution = Stop surfing

Plot line 3

 

Solution = Stop surfing and get a job at Arby’s like the rest of us

That’s it. There are no other possible plot lines for a surfing movie. I mean, what else could possibly happen while surfing?

I’m not saying surfing isn’t fun, I’m just saying who cares. Even a movie about rock climbing is more interesting because at least with that if shit goes wrong you fall into a crevice and HILARITY ensues. With surfing, if shit goes wrong you end up back on land , crushing a sand castle or one of those sand dragon things. Basically, when you fail at surfing you can walk home.

So this election, don't worry about voting for Obama or Romney. Just vote NO to whatever local amendment is being proposed and pretend you voted NO to surfing. Then go home, take a long hard look in the mirror and know you are now a perfect citizen... who just voted no to raising teacher salaries.